Well who knew choosing a wedding dress could be such a stressful experience? I don't know whether it was naive of me to think it'd be fun but it really wasn't.
Last week my best friend / chief bridesmaid, C and I went dress shopping. I spent what felt like a lifetime but was probably more like an hour standing around in a changing room wearing only my underwear and the shoes belonging to the shop while a stranger, and later another friend's Mum, put me into huge, heavy dresses. Once I'd been zipped, buttoned and/or corseted up into each dress came the part I dreaded the most. Staring at myself in the mirror. Whenever I try clothes on I don't look at the whole image in the mirror, my eye goes straight to my middle. How fat do I look? Do I look like I have hips? Does it make me look bigger or smaller? Do I even know how big or small I look ordinarily? (The answer to that last one is probably not). So, with each dress C and the assistant waited patiently while I stared and stared and stared. I don't even know how many dresses I tried on, they all just blurred into each other, each one drawing attention to some part or other that I hated. All except one, the One. Then as we were getting ready to leave I spotted another, I tried that on, it was as good as the One, torn I left the shop but not before my friend's Mum had taunted me with another dress which we didn't have time to try. Since last Wednesday I have thought of little else other than the One, I am going back in a week and a half to try the One again and the other I hadn't had time to try. All this for a sodding dress.
I have two problems here. One stems from the eating disorder, I don't see what everyone else sees, as C told me I'm too critical, she's right, I looked for fault in how I looked in every single dress I tried, I do it with every item of clothing I own, it's just this time the decision really, really matters. Which brings me onto my next problem, I can't make decisions. When it's something important I can't decide, I know my own mind but then, when it comes to giving a definitive yes or no, I can't do it. I worry that I will say yes and then something better will come along or something will go wrong, I say no and then wish I hadn't, I'd rather behave in the manner of the proverbial Ostrich and bury my head in the sand. On the one hand I am quite spur of the moment, I'll say yes to something not having given it enough consideration, but then later on when I think about it I find myself trying to come up with ways to get out of it. I agree to go to someone's house for dinner out of politeness, I can't say no, then I remember I can't bring myself to eat in public and that I will spend at least a week before and a week after the event panicking about whatever I have ingested. This is different, I am picking a dress which will cost more than anything else I own (other than my house) it has to be right, but I can't decide if it is or not and nobody else can make that decision for me. I'm always 0.1% unsure of any decision, this is no different.
I don't even want to think about the rest of the decisions coming my way in the next 18 months, there's bridesmaid's dresses, suits, invitations, cake, flowers, seating plans, the list is endless, it's making me feel a little bit sick just thinking about it.
Last week my best friend / chief bridesmaid, C and I went dress shopping. I spent what felt like a lifetime but was probably more like an hour standing around in a changing room wearing only my underwear and the shoes belonging to the shop while a stranger, and later another friend's Mum, put me into huge, heavy dresses. Once I'd been zipped, buttoned and/or corseted up into each dress came the part I dreaded the most. Staring at myself in the mirror. Whenever I try clothes on I don't look at the whole image in the mirror, my eye goes straight to my middle. How fat do I look? Do I look like I have hips? Does it make me look bigger or smaller? Do I even know how big or small I look ordinarily? (The answer to that last one is probably not). So, with each dress C and the assistant waited patiently while I stared and stared and stared. I don't even know how many dresses I tried on, they all just blurred into each other, each one drawing attention to some part or other that I hated. All except one, the One. Then as we were getting ready to leave I spotted another, I tried that on, it was as good as the One, torn I left the shop but not before my friend's Mum had taunted me with another dress which we didn't have time to try. Since last Wednesday I have thought of little else other than the One, I am going back in a week and a half to try the One again and the other I hadn't had time to try. All this for a sodding dress.
I have two problems here. One stems from the eating disorder, I don't see what everyone else sees, as C told me I'm too critical, she's right, I looked for fault in how I looked in every single dress I tried, I do it with every item of clothing I own, it's just this time the decision really, really matters. Which brings me onto my next problem, I can't make decisions. When it's something important I can't decide, I know my own mind but then, when it comes to giving a definitive yes or no, I can't do it. I worry that I will say yes and then something better will come along or something will go wrong, I say no and then wish I hadn't, I'd rather behave in the manner of the proverbial Ostrich and bury my head in the sand. On the one hand I am quite spur of the moment, I'll say yes to something not having given it enough consideration, but then later on when I think about it I find myself trying to come up with ways to get out of it. I agree to go to someone's house for dinner out of politeness, I can't say no, then I remember I can't bring myself to eat in public and that I will spend at least a week before and a week after the event panicking about whatever I have ingested. This is different, I am picking a dress which will cost more than anything else I own (other than my house) it has to be right, but I can't decide if it is or not and nobody else can make that decision for me. I'm always 0.1% unsure of any decision, this is no different.
I don't even want to think about the rest of the decisions coming my way in the next 18 months, there's bridesmaid's dresses, suits, invitations, cake, flowers, seating plans, the list is endless, it's making me feel a little bit sick just thinking about it.
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