here's to 2009, may it be a happy one. let's face it, it couldn't be all that much worse than 2008. i don't know quite why i feel that 2008 was so horrible, it just was, perhaps there were a lot of lovely things which happened but i just can't remember them. i remember the shitty things that happened, my eating disorder which i'm clearly not over because i actually want it back, or at least i want back the motivation i had, the motivation to not eat at all times and to exercise to excess, i am totally the opposite to that right now, i am sitting here in trousers that are tight, trousers which a few months ago were too big. fucking idiot, thats what i am, i just can't help but place so much importance, so much, for want of a better word, weight on the fact that my waist is no longer 24inches. i want it to be. grrrrrrrrrr. anyway there was that, there were the many arguments, presumably caused by the issue of my desparation to keep my waist low, not that the measurement was anything that really concerned me, the issue was the weight, the stones, the pounds, the ounces, the whatever is less than an ounce which made up every bit of fat i was so keen to get rid of, i still am truth be told.
anyway there was the death of mr t's grandmother, the first death in his family that he's known. the first death in his family since we got together 9 years ago. his turn to be the one needing a hug because someone wasn't there anymore. i've had three in the 9 years we've been together, he's on his first. its shit, i feel really sorry for him, they were so close and now it just looks like mr t's parents are rinsing the old woman for all she was worth now she's dead. an eleven grand kitchen and a personalised number plate later and his dad is being the hero, helping out to pay for the new engine mr t needs. he's revelling in it, he loves it, telling him not to worry about the money, he'll pay. yeah he'll pay with what's left of his dead mother's fortune. maybe i'm just a jealous hateful little cow who wishes she had a new kitchen, a grand's worth of kitchen would do me just nicely.
then there was the death of mr t's uncle. the funeral was this year, he died too close to xmas to have it last year i assume. mr t didn't go, he feels bad for not going, i don't know why he didn't, he liked his uncle, he just chose not to go to his funeral. it was so sad, a box of biscuits from his aunt and uncle for xmas, the gift tag signed from "uncle eric and aunty di" aunty di would have written this before her husband died, right before xmas. heartbreaking, like seeing an old person's handwriting on a card, that always makes me want to weep, i don't know why, i guess its because you don't think how old some of your relatives are not really, not until you see the card wishing you a merry christmas or a happy birthday in their shakily formed letters.
so there you go, two deaths, an eating disorder and the potential to never make the nine year anniversary. well what a year.
on the plus side my friend got married at the beginning of the year, that was nice even if i was touched with a pang of jealousy. i know i can't afford the wedding i'd like though so i know its not happening just yet. oh and mr t made it to our 9 year anniversary which if i'm honest was a surprise really, i've been waiting for years for him to realise how much he deserves and how little of that i give to him but thankfully he hasn't noticed, not yet. oh and i had a lovely time in london over the summer, a couple of days strolling round on my own did me a lot of good, it has to be said. wouldn't mind a repeat performance in the very near future, its taken a week and a half off work for me to come to the conclusion that i am just not cut out for this working lark, i am much better suited to days on the couch, wrapped in a duvet eating quality streets for breakfast. just need to get working on that lottery win and it'll be fine.
anyway there was the death of mr t's grandmother, the first death in his family that he's known. the first death in his family since we got together 9 years ago. his turn to be the one needing a hug because someone wasn't there anymore. i've had three in the 9 years we've been together, he's on his first. its shit, i feel really sorry for him, they were so close and now it just looks like mr t's parents are rinsing the old woman for all she was worth now she's dead. an eleven grand kitchen and a personalised number plate later and his dad is being the hero, helping out to pay for the new engine mr t needs. he's revelling in it, he loves it, telling him not to worry about the money, he'll pay. yeah he'll pay with what's left of his dead mother's fortune. maybe i'm just a jealous hateful little cow who wishes she had a new kitchen, a grand's worth of kitchen would do me just nicely.
then there was the death of mr t's uncle. the funeral was this year, he died too close to xmas to have it last year i assume. mr t didn't go, he feels bad for not going, i don't know why he didn't, he liked his uncle, he just chose not to go to his funeral. it was so sad, a box of biscuits from his aunt and uncle for xmas, the gift tag signed from "uncle eric and aunty di" aunty di would have written this before her husband died, right before xmas. heartbreaking, like seeing an old person's handwriting on a card, that always makes me want to weep, i don't know why, i guess its because you don't think how old some of your relatives are not really, not until you see the card wishing you a merry christmas or a happy birthday in their shakily formed letters.
so there you go, two deaths, an eating disorder and the potential to never make the nine year anniversary. well what a year.
on the plus side my friend got married at the beginning of the year, that was nice even if i was touched with a pang of jealousy. i know i can't afford the wedding i'd like though so i know its not happening just yet. oh and mr t made it to our 9 year anniversary which if i'm honest was a surprise really, i've been waiting for years for him to realise how much he deserves and how little of that i give to him but thankfully he hasn't noticed, not yet. oh and i had a lovely time in london over the summer, a couple of days strolling round on my own did me a lot of good, it has to be said. wouldn't mind a repeat performance in the very near future, its taken a week and a half off work for me to come to the conclusion that i am just not cut out for this working lark, i am much better suited to days on the couch, wrapped in a duvet eating quality streets for breakfast. just need to get working on that lottery win and it'll be fine.
2 comments:
Just to (somewhat belatedly) wish you a better 2009. As far as the eating thing goes, at least you've 'named and acknowledged' it, which in my view is often 50% of the way towards overcoming it.
ISBW.
thank you so much. means a lot. and yes admitting you're out of control is the hardest thing when you're a control freak.
i hope you have the 2009 you wish for.
laura
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