Doubling Up

Another wedding based blog, sorry but it's pretty much all I am able to think/talk/stress about, that and a big birthday coming up for Mr T which may well bankrupt me but more of that another time.

I have something on my mind; the concept of not taking Mr T's name. We haven't broached this subject with his parents yet and maybe this is why I am blogging about it, maybe I am trying to get my argument straight just in case there's unrest about it. You see, I'm from a very complicated family with step parents and half siblings all over the place but in this instance I am thinking about the family I grew up with, my Father, Stepmother and my brother. Until last week, when she remarried, only my Stepmother, brother and I shared my Father's surname, if I take Mr T's, I lose that and I just don't want to. I have little left of my father, I don't know where his ashes are, I don't know what happened to any of his possessions, all I have are memories and photographs and, at the moment, his name.I have nothing against Mr T's family and I desparately hope they don't take offence at my choice, Mr T hasn't taken offence, he doesn't care either way, I can't help but worry his parents won't share this view and that his Grandfather won't understand. For me this marriage is about Mr T and I joining together, double barrelling my name seems like the sensible, albeit creating quite a mouthful when saying my full name, option to me. Even my Stepmother has doublebarrelled for her 4th marriage wanting to keep her name as close to my brother's as possible.

I suspect really as is the norm with someone who suffers paranoia about pretty much everything and I am just getting carried away with myself. I think really, if I step back and think about it in actual fact there's nothing for me to be concerned about, his parents aren't draconian and I doubt his Grandfather is likely to care, I am just steeling myself for the disapproval.

When we told them we'd decided to get married I was worried his Mother would automatically assume we would be going to a church, she's a very active member of their local church and I know before his brother married she'd said to his now wife "when you do get married, it will be in my church, won't it?" so I naturally had concerns this was going to happen again. As it happens, it didn't. I told her I hoped she wouldn't mind but we wouldn't be marrying in a church as neither of us are religious and we both felt it would be wrong to begin married life based on vows we did not believe in. I was so relieved, I had all but convinced myself she would be disappointed, which for me wouldn't matter but I was concerned for Mr T, he wouldn't want to upset his parents, I am sure. Still, I am worried it will be considered some sort of snub, not only have I been responsible for their son moving 15 miles away from home but now I am willing to take their contribution (they offered, we didn't expect/ask for it) towards the wedding but I won't take their name.

Look what I've done now, I've convinced myself again they're going to be annoyed about my decision. Well done me. I'm just going to not say anything till it comes up, if it's broached now it will look like it's an issue, won't it? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Wedding Bore (again)

Well who knew choosing a wedding dress could be such a stressful experience? I don't know whether it was naive of me to think it'd be fun but it really wasn't.

Last week my best friend / chief bridesmaid, C and I went dress shopping. I spent what felt like a lifetime but was probably more like an hour standing around in a changing room wearing only my underwear and the shoes belonging to the shop while a stranger, and later another friend's Mum, put me into huge, heavy dresses. Once I'd been zipped, buttoned and/or corseted up into each dress came the part I dreaded the most. Staring at myself in the mirror. Whenever I try clothes on I don't look at the whole image in the mirror, my eye goes straight to my middle. How fat do I look? Do I look like I have hips? Does it make me look bigger or smaller? Do I even know how big or small I look ordinarily? (The answer to that last one is probably not). So, with each dress C and the assistant waited patiently while I stared and stared and stared. I don't even know how many dresses I tried on, they all just blurred into each other, each one drawing attention to some part or other that I hated. All except one, the One. Then as we were getting ready to leave I spotted another, I tried that on, it was as good as the One, torn I left the shop but not before my friend's Mum had taunted me with another dress which we didn't have time to try. Since last Wednesday I have thought of little else other than the One, I am going back in a week and a half to try the One again and the other I hadn't had time to try. All this for a sodding dress.

I have two problems here. One stems from the eating disorder, I don't see what everyone else sees, as C told me I'm too critical, she's right, I looked for fault in how I looked in every single dress I tried, I do it with every item of clothing I own, it's just this time the decision really, really matters. Which brings me onto my next problem, I can't make decisions. When it's something important I can't decide, I know my own mind but then, when it comes to giving a definitive yes or no, I can't do it. I worry that I will say yes and then something better will come along or something will go wrong, I say no and then wish I hadn't, I'd rather behave in the manner of the proverbial Ostrich and bury my head in the sand. On the one hand I am quite spur of the moment, I'll say yes to something not having given it enough consideration, but then later on when I think about it I find myself trying to come up with ways to get out of it. I agree to go to someone's house for dinner out of politeness, I can't say no, then I remember I can't bring myself to eat in public and that I will spend at least a week before and a week after the event panicking about whatever I have ingested. This is different, I am picking a dress which will cost more than anything else I own (other than my house) it has to be right, but I can't decide if it is or not and nobody else can make that decision for me. I'm always 0.1% unsure of any decision, this is no different.

I don't even want to think about the rest of the decisions coming my way in the next 18 months, there's bridesmaid's dresses, suits, invitations, cake, flowers, seating plans, the list is endless, it's making me feel a little bit sick just thinking about it.

Wedding Bore

This is difficult, this evening I am going to view some wedding venues, in secret of course because we still haven't got round to telling our families yet. I don't know why it's become such an issue, I find it difficult to comprehend that they will be particularly interested, afterall it isn't them getting married, it's Mr T and I.

We viewed two venues at the weekend, both owned by the same company, both on the same road, radically different in price for good reason. I feel as if we're going to have to really rethink our budget, the first place we saw was double the cost of the second place. The first had beautiful terraced gardens and enormous rooms furnished with antiques. The second did not have gardens of any sort but did have small rooms furnished antiques. I loved the first place, my bank balance, however, did not.

I fear I am going to have to sell a kidney